A frequently asked question by many submissives and people new to BDSM or D/s relationships is how do I tell a fake Dom from a real one? What should I be looking out for? What are some of the red flags I should be aware of?
Fake Dom's are a very real thing and unfortunately are a very common occurrence in the online world. Fake doms are not only annoying, a waste of time and hurtful but also can be very dangerous if they become involved with you. While some fake doms are very obvious, others are quite charming and very good at saying pretty words that get inside your head. I have first hand experience with many fake doms, being involved in the BDSM world online at a very early age. I was lead astray and fed all the pretty words, the promises of love, relationships, trust and loyalty... Thankfully I was only ever involved with these doms online and Sir has been my first and last real Dom.
One of the first and most obvious signs to look out for is when a Dom instantly asks for sexual favours. A fake dom will often be extremely quick to start asking for you to perform sexual acts for them, sometimes rushing you into meeting them in order to speed up the sex acts. Most will get quite offended and upset when you decline them, question them or outright refuse them. A good dom for starters wouldn't ask for that so soon but also would never expect you to agree to it and wouldn't be put out in the least if you were to question them or decline their offer. The thing to remember is that you as the submissive hold the ultimate power and have the final say, all you have to do is say no. Don't allow yourself to be bullied into agreeing to anything you don't feel comfortable with.
That leads straight into a Dom demanding to see pictures of you, specifically naked or sexually explicit pictures. Sure, when you feel ready, exchange a normal photo of yourselves. A lot of fake doms will refuse to provide you a picture of themselves, which is a huge red flag for most people. We all understand that sometimes for work or family related reasons we do need to be discreet at times. However in order to pursue a committed D/s relationship with trust and communication? There is a point where photos will need to be exchanged.
Our third sign of a fake Dom is that they lack the obvious skills of an experienced dominant. Fake Doms often won't take the time to self educate or even learn the correct terminology. So always be aware of what terminology they are using, is it being used in the right context? We all have to start somewhere but a good Dom will do their best to self educate and learn as much as possible so they have a solid understanding and knowledge of BDSM and D/s basics.
The fourth sign is when they lack commitment and are unwilling to share personal details of themselves. Most Doms are happy to share with you as much detail as what they are asking from you. Fake Doms will often expect you to share as much information about you as they want, whilst refusing to give you that same respect. Remember, knowledge is power. If they don't keep in regular contact when they said they would, refuse to speak on the phone when you've asked or only seem to be able to speak at very limited short times? These may be some big red flags to hint at a fake dominant.
Lastly, one of the biggest red flags is when a dominant wants to collar you or sign contracts very early on. Some fake Doms demand obedience straight away, claiming that it is their right to he called Master from their first moment speaking to you. This is NOT true. A good, safe dominant will respect the fact that you are not their property, not their submissive and that you deserve respect. Fake Doms will speak down to you, demand you do as they say, often be quite demeaning. But some will drag it out, play the game that they have become very good at. A good Dom allows you to speak to fellow members of the BDSM community, verify that they are in fact a reliable person.
All in all, trust your gut. If something feels off, doesn't feel quite right or you have that sinking suspicion? Question it. You will never lose a good dominant because you asked questions to keep yourself safe. That is your priority, to embark on this journey and enjoy yourself while staying safe. That goes for both your physical self and your heart.