I speak to a lot of new submissives and most of them ask me how to find a good Dom and what they should be looking for in their Dom. They don't quite know where to start or how to sift through all the fake Dominants and find the good ones. So here are my top five attributes to look for when you're searching for that special Dom.
First of all you want an honest Dom. Honesty is so vitally important in any relationship, be it a long term D/s commitment or just a one time scene. A good Dom will be honest about what they are seeking from a submissive and their intentions. Honest about their level of skill and experience which keeps both of you safe. They will be honest in answering any questions you may have and honest during any negotiations prior to play.
A good Dom will be patient. They will have the patience to answer all of your questions, to sit and negotiate things three times over before any play happens. They will have the patience to teach you, show you and explain to you what their expectations are for both a scene or a long term relationship. They will have the patience to allow you to make mistakes and learn from them because that is how we grow. A good Dom will not rush you, push you or threaten you into doing or agreeing to anything. They will know that you as the submissive hold all the power in this exchange.
Communication is key in any relationship but even more so within a bdsm scene or D/s relationship. A good dominant will be sure to always keep those communication lines open. Part of good communication is establishing Safewords, discussing limits and setting rules. It also means paying attention to body language as that is a huge part communication too. A dominant should be willing to talk to you about anything and discuss with you in as much depth as you need to feel confident in whatever you may be doing. Within a relationship, communication means having a way to speak to each other without being judged or disciplined as a submissive. You should have a set time or way of asking to sit down and discuss something without fear of being disciplined for it. A good dominant will always be happy to hear you out.
Confidence in one's own abilities is another attribute I feel is important in a Dom. They should have the confidence to say that yes they do know how to wield that flogger safely. They should also have the confidence to say no to their submissive, to tell them that they do not know how to do something well enough to partake in it. A cocky Dom is an unsafe Dom. There is a very big difference between quiet confidence and overzealous cockiness. A good dominant will be confident in their skills and confident enough in themselves to admit when they don't know something or need help or training to be better at it before they do damage.
Lastly, my biggest attribute of a good Dom is simply connection. You have to feel some form of connection with that dominant. If it's a one time scene, you have to feel the connection just enough to say yes I trust this Dom to keep me safe during this scene and make it enjoyable. For D/s relationships, there have to be feelings involved. You cannot give yourself fully to a Dom without feeling that connection in yourself. Nobody but you can say if there is a connection. No amount of persuasion, pretty words or skills should outweigh that. If you simply don't feel the connection, they probably aren't the Dom for you. A good dominant will understand this as a good dominant wants a submissive who honestly wants to serve them.